The Reason Why...

So I have been thinking about why I have a lack of motivation in applying for teaching jobs. There are a few reason, such as, my scanner does not work and everything seems to need to be done electronically, there seem to be a ton of steps to applying so it takes forever to finish one application, There are not many jobs being offered thus I feel as though I am already doomed to fail.

But the one factor that makes it really hard for me to finish, or lets be honest, even start these applications is that I am worried that I will fail my students. Not that they will not pass, but that they will not leave with a desire to love learning. Or that they will still not believe in themselves. I realized while student teaching that as a teacher it is impossible to reach every one of your students because there were 28 of them and one of me. The odds were not in my favor. But I am not okay with that. I do not like that before the year even starts I already know that I will not be able to touch each one of their lives in some significant way. It is hard for me to start a task knowing before hand that I will not finish it well.

This may seem on one end to be idealistic or the other end to be cynical, but I guess it is hard for me to see it any other way. I know that I am a good teacher and that I will do great things but if I cannot be there for each one of my students it is hard for me to be okay with that.

I also found while student teaching that routine is very important, it creates stability, which these kids need. But I also found that I can become a robot simply following routine. That things became, at times, a little less exciting or meaningful. It was for that sake of the routine or the test or the learning outcomes, not for learning itself or wonder, or anything transcendent.

This is why it is hard for me to fill out job applications. Because I do not want to be a teacher that already sees failure before she even starts or becomes a victim to teaching to the test.

These are some things that I have noticed recently and would like to share. I have still not completed an application and know that these are simply excuses to keep me from my destiny or my greater purpose.