Two weeks in- The Haiti Adventure

I have been in Haiti for two weeks now. And for some odd reason it still feels like I am only here for a short term trip, which I know I kind of still am only here for a short time.  The sweat is a very real thing. Very real. All the time real. But it rains most nights, so that cools it down. I am learning Creole which has been helpful, but there are still some people who insist on speaking to me in Creole and I am usually lost, but they are extremely gracious and kind.

The last post was one where I was not confident in this speaking role. I cannot say that I am overly confident now, but I can say that God has continued to speak through me every single night. I practice my talks numerous times but right before I go up and speak I still feel like I have no idea what the flow is of my talk. When we are singing the worship songs in the beginning I often wonder, God what am I talking about again, what is the sequence of my words. And every time without fail He comes through and speaks through me. Every time my talk is also a little different which I like, because then I know that the Spirit is taking it. It is not memorized. But the same ideas are there every time.  I am still not the most confident, I still wonder if God got it right. If I am really the one that He chose to do this role, but here I am, here, speaking almost every night. Leading this staff of people the best way possible. All with His strength and wisdom.

God has continually been surprising me. When I get annoyed with someone or think they aren’t pulling their weight they do something that changes my negative thoughts about them. It is almost like God is reminding me that they are useful and productive even if it is not always in the way that I want them to be.  

It is truly hard to put into words what these few weeks have been like. I have, we have, had to be very flexible. Haiti is very much run on its own timetable. It is rare for things to actually be on time.  So I am having to continually roll with it and make decisions on the fly that I feel are best. I take input from the staff if I can and see what they think, because truly more thoughts are better than just my own. But then I have to make the decision, that is not my favorite part about being the leader.

I have been pretty good at delegating which I thought was going to be difficult. The responsibilities of this role scared me a lot but He has been faithful and has made me capable. I do not feel like I am in over my head at all.  I have one teammate who has become almost like my assistant for lack of a better word. She knows pretty well that when the leader says something it is not always received very well so she takes it on herself to call people out, in a loving way, and to help out in those areas. I am extremely grateful for her and truly believe that one reason God has placed her here is for that.  But also many other reasons. She connects with the children at the orphanage in a way that is truly beautiful. (Oh and by the way I have realized that I use the word truly a lot, I was doing one of my talks and I noticed I was saying it all the time.)

I am learning a lot. I am learning how to be a selfless leader. I am continuing to learn when it is necessary to call people out and keep them accountable and when it is just necessary to take it, grin and bear it for lack of a better term.

The road has been a huge inconvenience. But also a huge blessing. It has allowed the groups to get out of the orphanage and truly, there it is again, be among the community they are serving in. They have been working alongside the Haitians to rebuild this road and it has been beautiful to watch. To see them playing games with the village children or try and chat with the adult villagers has been refreshing and has inspired me to step out of my comfort zone. To not worry so much about the work, but about the relationships, because that is what this is all about. The relationships. 

Oh Moses

So I have always been pretty hard on Moses.

When God first calls him to lead the Israelites and calls him to talk to Pharaoh, Moses makes excuses. He comes up with so many and God dismisses every one of them with truth. The truth that if you have God you cannot fail.

I always was annoyed with Moses in this moment. I always felt like he was a coward and so insecure.  I mean come on, God is talking directly to you and you are going to be scared of doing what he asks. Come on Moses.

Right now I have a new appreciation for Moses and his struggles. I may make this be a bigger deal than it is, which Moses probably did too. God is asking me to speak. To speak to people about Him. But I doubt my ability to speak. I doubt my voice. My unique voice.

God, like He did with Moses (maybe not to such a great degree but it is all for the kingdom), is calling me to speak this summer. To use the unique voice that He gave me to share His words this summer. And I doubt it. I question if I am capable. I sound like Moses when I say seriously God who am I, that I should do this. (Exodus 3:11). And God says to Moses (and me), "I will be with you."  (Exodus 3:12) That is basically all He says to Moses. I am with you. Because truly that is enough.

I do not feel qualified to be doing what I am doing this summer. Leading these people, speaking to these people, and maybe really I am not qualified. But God says, "I am with you." And that is enough and should be enough.

I have not officially left yet for Haiti, still in training. And feeling as though I may be failing in some areas, but as I have been saying I feel like we are our own worst critic. But even if I fail, even if I completely botch something, He still is there. He still is with me. He still loves me and did not abandon me.

This scripture came up in my Jesus Calling today.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.

"I am with you."
It has to be enough.

I am not ready!

So tomorrow is the day.

Well actually next Saturday is the big day. But tomorrow is the day I officially say good-bye. So tomorrow is the day.

I have moments when I am doing really good. When I know that God has it all. That he will take care of everything here and there. When I am completely at peace about everything.

Then there are moments when the emotions overtake me. When I cannot seem to think about leaving these people. When I already feel the weight of missing them and I cannot anymore. I can't seem to think of those moments when God has it all. When I am completely content with what God has for me. The emotions become too heavy.

My emotions are all over the place and this will not change when I arrive in Haiti. I know that I will have crazy emotions a lot of the time. But I do hope that I can abide in Him to help me sort them out.

I am super excited for this opportunity. It is going to stretch and grow me in ways that I didn't even know were possible. But I know that those times, when you are being stretched are not necessarily those moments that while you are in them seem fantastic. I know that I am going to have some great moments. Seriously great moments. But I also know that I will have moments when life becomes too much. Living can become too much. And I want to curl up in a ball and just not live for a little bit. To not do life for a minute. I know I will have times when circumstances and what is right in front of me becomes everything. And I lose perspective. I have stopped looking to Him and I started to look around me. When I am not longer dwelling on things above, but on things on this earth. When I stopped fixing my eyes on the unseen instead of the seen. (2 Corinthians 4:18) (Colossians 3:2).

Many people have asked if I am ready for this adventure. And every single time I respond with, "As ready as I will ever be." But truly do you ever feel ready. When you take a leap of faith, do you ever feel ready? And if you feel ready does that mean you are relying too much on your own understanding and knowledge and less on trusting God and having faith that He will meet you and guide you and fill in the gaps?

I am not ready. I am not ready to lead, I am not ready to teach. I am not ready to live so far out of my comfort zone, for a longer period of time than I probably every have. But to me that just means that I will be relying on Him for absolutely everything. He will be what gets me through this summer. I will not be able to take credit for any of it. I do think that I have the best mindset than I ever have before a missions trip. I know I am not capable of this, before when I was preparing for these trips I knew that I could do what was required of us. (not to be prideful, I just knew that I wouldn't be asked to do things that were too difficult for me) and the difficult parts of the trip where emotional. This time I am asked to do things that frankly scare me. Scare might not be the right word, but I truly do not feel qualified. But as He said to Moses, "I will be with you." (Exodus 3:12) Or when I am wondering what to say, when I am struggling with what to teach, just as he said to Moses "who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak." (Exodus 4:11-12). These truths will be with me.

A song that came up recently a Spotify playlist I found Top Christian Tracks, if you want to find it yourself, Thy will. Here are the lyrics that I love.

“I’m so confused / I know I heard you loud and clear / So, I followed through / Somehow I ended up here / I don’t wanna think / I may never understand / That my broken heart is a part of your plan / When I try to pray / All I’ve got is hurt and these four words.”
Chrous:
“Thy will be done (x3).”
“I know you’re good / But this don’t feel good right now / And I know you think / Of things I could never think about / It’s hard to count it all joy / Distracted by the noise / Just trying to make sense / Of all your promises / Sometimes I gotta stop / Remember that you’re God / And I am not / So …”
“Thy will be done (X3) / Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is / Thy will be done (X2) / Thy will.”
“I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord / Your plans are for me / Goodness you have in store.”
“I know you see me / I know you hear me, Lord.”


Read More: Hillary Scott & the Scott Family, Thy Will [Listen]

Even though I might not understand what is going on. I truly do want whatever He wants. I know His plan is perfect and I want His plan. Truly Thy Will Be Done!

I also read something that someone sent me on Instagram today. It very much goes along with what I have been experiencing in my life recently and has also been a common theme in my thought process for the last year or two. This idea that God does not give us the entire plan. He doesn't even give us 2 steps in advance. He gives us just what we need.

lysaterkeurst 
God is teaching me so much about really trusting Him. Fully. Completely.
Without suggestions or projections I just need to embrace the very next thing He shows me. And then the next.
Though the long path is uncertain, He's so faithful to shed just enough light to see the very next step.
This isn't Him being mysterious. This is a great demonstration of His mercy.

Too much revelation and we'd pridefully run ahead of Him. Too little and we'd be paralyzed with fear.
So I'm seeking slivers of His light just for today and filling the gaps of the unknown with trust.



I needed this so much, she put it into words that I have failed to be able to do. Haiti is my next step. Even within Haiti I know I will have many other steps. But God will give me just enough light to view those next steps. Trust is what God asks of us and that is what I am going to do this summer. When things do not make sense, which they do not the majority of the time with God, I will trust. When I feel as though I am in over my head, I will trust. When things are not going as I had planned, I will trust. When my emotions are overtaking me, I will trust. When things are too hard, I will trust.

I will trust in Him.

You're doing what?

So I have mentioned before that I love to teach, but I do not feel like I am meant to teach in the traditional idea of teaching, in a classroom, with academic textbooks. I said that to many people and their initial response is, "Then what do you see yourself doing?" My response to them has always been I do not know. But one thing I do know and have known for a long time, and you would know also if you have read this blog for any period of time, or even read my title and tag line, is that I do not feel like I am doing what I should be doing. I have this unsettled feeling the majority of the time that I am not where I should be.


What I do know is that I am ending my school year, another year where I know I am not doing what I should be doing. I have known for sometime, in my core that I should not be returning to my teaching position. But because of failing to have a plan after said departure of teaching job I have been reluctant to depart from teaching position. I was recently chatting with a couple friends about my future and I said that I do not like teaching and one asked, as everyone else has, "What do you want to do then?" and I said "I do not know." The other friend said, "Then quit." Which sounds so good in theory, and initially I thought I can't just do that without having something lined up right? Isn't that what you are taught? Do not leave a job until you know what you are doing next.


The more I thought about it though the more I am struck by how that mentality is not necessarily biblical. I am not sure where it says be obedient only if you know what is going to come next. In no way did Abraham think of what was coming next when God told him to sacrifice his son Isaac. He did what he knew God was telling him to do. And he rested on God's promise, that through Isaac he would have many descendants. As I have mentioned in previous blog posts we are not given the map of our lives, we are rarely even given the next step. We are given today. We are asked to be obedient today. So what is He asking of you today?

I understand that having something lined up is being a responsible person. But is that what I am on this earth for is to be a responsible person, where everything I do makes sense. Where I set myself up to be secure and comfortable all of the time. Or where I am trusting and having faith in God that He will provide and take care of me. He will guide me and direct my paths. Where my actions do not quite make sense, where I am taking risks. Where I am truly allowing Him to show up, where He will get all of the credit in the end. I had someone or a few people ask me, after I drop the bomb that I think I am going to quit my job, "Well can you live off what you have right now?" and my response is, "No, I cannot." Then one said well how can you do that?  Do you not want to be secure? And my answer was no I do not. How can I be okay with the status quo, How can I be okay with ordinary, not that I am doing this because it is a crazy thing to do, but because I can't continue doing something that I know is not right for me. How can I not be obedient to this God that has lavishly loved me and sacrificed greatly for me, and given me more than I need or deserve. How can I not?

We spend so much of our time in this world making sure that our futures are secure and comfortable.
That is why we do not quit a job until we have something else lined up because we do not want that feeling of what am I going to do. We do it out of fear, comfort and security not out of being disobedient. But if we are not following what God would have us do, then we are being disobedient.  But in those moments, when you have no idea what is going to happen, when you wonder how something will be made out of nothing, that is where we let go, where control is no longer in our hands and God shows up. That is where God truly can point us in the direction we are suppose to go. When we have faith and trust Him that it will all work out, that is when we notice He did it all. Because truly He is doing it all, anyway. But we still take the credit for it, until we know we did nothing to bring it about. When we take the first step in obedience, as stated before just watch what He is going to do.

In Samuel God states that he desires obedience over sacrifice. I am being obedient by quitting my job even though I have no idea what I will be doing in 4 months. But lets be real here, I am in Haiti for 3 of those months, so I am not going to have a whole of time to worry about it. And He knows what I need, He knows it all, thus He is going to orchestrate it all. I have some ideas of what I think I want to be doing, but I am not quite ready to share them with the general public. I have voiced those hopes to the right people, those who can actually make that happen. And God will truly have to make it all happen because I will not even be in the same country. He will get all the credit He deserves. I am praying expectantly, not with lament. I am already thanking Him for what He will do, for what He is going to bring about and in four months I am excited to share with all of you what He wove together.

So what is it that you know you should be doing, but for some reason it seems too crazy. It cannot be something that God is asking of you, because it doesn't make sense. I have a question for you, when did God do things in the Bible that made sense to us as humans. Parting the Red Sea, marching around Jericho, how Jesus, our Savior, came into this world. He never works how we think He will.

So the response of "I don't know" has been around for a few years and has morphed a bit since I started working with the youth at the end of the last summer  I started very hesitatingly and with a lot of trust and faith that if I was meant to be there God would make it evident. He did not necessarily make it evident at first but I had a peace about where I was. I kept feeling like He was saying to me, "Be patient and keep showing up." So I did. I have formed some amazing relationships with the girls in that group, relationships that I have been desiring to make for years. Mentorship relationships. It pains me to actually be leaving those relationships for 3 months. But I have to trust God and have faith that I am being obedient and doing what He has led me to do and He will therefore continue to guide them and bring people into their life to mentor and disciple them just as I had done. God loves them more than I do, He will not leave them. Maybe that is where I will be? who truly knows, only God!

Just wait for those opportunities to come a knockin'

I was told a few months back that when you take a step toward Christ, take a leap of faith in obedience to what He has called you to do, just wait for the doors to open. The opportunities to come knocking. I did not fully understand what he meant when he said that but now I am beginning to see it unfold.

Six months ago I applied for an internship position in Haiti that most of you know about. I did this because I felt a nudging to do so even though it was completely out of my comfort zone. I guess I shouldn't say completely but aspects of it, large aspects of it, are out of my comfort zone. But I finally surrendered to His will and applied. Then I got accepted and then came the above conversation. At the time when this conversation was happening I did not know what he was talking about. What doors would open, what opportunities, because to be honest I have now lived in this town for a few years and not much has changed. Not many opportunities have come a knockin.

Well as they say hindsight is 20/20. Because over the past 6 months opportunities have come a knockin. But not in the way that I would have thought. I feel as though we invision the doors to be these huge endeavors, these opportunities that are out of this world. And not to say they they may not be, but I think we miss the little things that God is doing, the smaller doors that He is opening for us. God is doing things around us and in us everyday, we just do not take time to notice it. And these doors are nothing miraculous but they are opportunities I do not think I would have had if I had not taken that first leap.

I had already been working with the high school ministry at my church, but I began working with the college age as well starting in January. One of my fellow leaders encouraged, our forced whichever way you want to look at it, me to teach some of our get togethers. Now I had not ever done something like this before, but as he said, "You will be doing this in Haiti." I decided to take a leap of faith and do it. So I have now taught three times there and each time it gets a little easier. Each time I learn something new about sharing with a group of people. I learn that success is not gauged by what I can necessarily see, what change I see in them, but by listening to the Spirit and being obedient to what He has laid on my heart to say. I have also learned that you do not need to know everything or have taken a lot of classes on the Bible in order to teach something that God has taught you. This has taken some of the pressure off. Not that I take this lightly at all, but I also feel like I can put too much pressure on making it sound good, or right, or being truth. I just need to listen to the Spirit and follow what I feel He is requiring of me. That has been awesome to watch unfold, seeing maybe a skill I necessarily did not know I had. I know I went to school to teach, and I love teaching, but I guess I always thought teaching God's word was too lofty for me to attain. And maybe on my own it was. But I have to understand that if God desires it for me, then He will make me able because He is never wrong and truly He doesn't fail.

For my Haiti trip I have to teach a few 5 minute lessons in front of a crowd and video tape them. (Ugh not my favorite thing in the world, I have actually not even watched them.) I did one in February and because of that I was asked to do a lesson on our youth's spring break trip to Myrtle Beach. Now this trip I went on all four years of high school and it impacted my life greatly, so I was very excited to go, but also very nervous to have the same impact that the leaders did when I went. I quickly dismissed some of those pressures because I know it will be different. But this was still a huge step of faith. It was not leading small group discussions, as my college group lessons had been. It was going to be me, just me, speaking what I felt God had laid on my heart to say. One of the first daunting tasks was simply writing the lesson. Where do I start, what do I say? But I found that things start to just flow. Read and read and read some more and then listen. And see what He says. It was kind of crazy how easy thoughts came together and how even after I had created my outline I went over a few more times and He made things clear to me, things to focus on and things to narrow in on. Even my application point, had not been developed until the night before, seriously while I could not sleep at midnight or one in the morning it started to take shape. But I did not worry or stress about it, because I have come to realize that all things are made known in their own time. Ecclesiastes 3.

I am very excited to see what other doors may open and what other talents/abilities God is going to develop in me. I am by no means puffing myself up, I am simply making myself available to whatever He would have me do/be. I am a small part in His grand plan and am thankful to play whatever part He has for me.

A beautiful mess-living life with people

Yesterday was rough.

It started rough and ended pretty rough.

There were some nice moments in between, but pretty much on the whole it was unpleasant.

But then it kind of was not. I was feeling something deeply. And I could not shake it. No matter if it is an unjust reason for those deep feelings. It doesn't matter. I was feeling something. Sometimes I like to feel things deeply, even when it feels like I cannot control them. They are an overflow of the heart and that is beautiful.

It started yesterday morning. (I told you it started rough.) To start I did not get much sleep, but I do not attribute these emotions to lack of sleep. I began to feel a bit sorry for myself. I was at my end.

Ya see as a Christian I am asked to be in relationships with people. There is no way around it. Jesus was constantly in relationships with people. Doing life with people. Around people. Yes He did go by himself at times. But He was around people all of the time. The thing is people and relationships, I love them deeply do not get me wrong, but they are exhausting.

You are constantly pouring into people's lives. Taking an honest interest in their existence on this earth. Checking in from time to time. Interjecting into their daily routines. Reminding them of their walk, of who they are in Christ, of what they should be doing. Asking them what they are learning. Etc. You are doing life with them. But for the majority of these relationships it is one sided. I am the one pouring out. I am the one reaching out, I am the one checking in. I am the one reminding, correcting, and loving. I am not by any means being prideful here. I am being honest. And in the majority of these relationships I should be the one doing these things. It shouldn't necessarily be reciprocated. But it would be nice.

Yesterday was one of those days where this caught up to me. The constant pouring out of myself. (Yes I do have filling times, I am in prayer often, in a constant conversation with God, Church and my small group do a good job of filling me.) But these relationships that we are called to be in and be part of are not necessarily filling me. And maybe they do not need to, or maybe that is putting expectations where they do not belong. And I do know that God is the only one that can completely fill me, so please do not think that I am relying on human relationships to do that because I am not. But when I am emptying myself into these relationships, that I love do not get me wrong, who is checking in with me, who is reminding me, or is asking me, who cares about me. (I told you I was feeling sorry for myself.) I am not saying these emotions or thoughts, or feelings are right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. But I felt them and that is what I know for certain. And I can imagine I am not the only one who feels them from time to time. For the most part I am good with where I am at. Do I wish sometimes I had people that seemed to genuinely care, and show it not just say it, Yes I do. But that is not my purpose on this earth. It is not for me to feel accepted, or affirmed, or cared about by humans. But it does not hurt let me tell you.

I am being very honest with you all, about a side of me, or a side of most of us that we are ashamed of, or not willing to talk about because it is very selfish and self centered. But it is a side of most of us that creeps up every once and awhile whether we like it or not.

I got a text yesterday from my brother that was a complete God thing. He texted just to say that he loved me and that he hoped I was having a good day. So simple but so needed in that moment. To know I was being thought of, that I was important to someone at that moment. God completely did that, that nudging. Hoe God weaves these independent lives we have together is amazing to me every time.

One thing that struck me today was that I doubt Jesus had a whole of people checking in with Him. Asking Him how he was doing. Reminding him to... Now I know that Jesus was perfect, completely reliant on the Spirit and in constant conversation with the Father. But maybe I need to remember that. He had the constant reassurance of the Spirit that He was doing what He was suppose to be doing. He did not need people, imperfect humans, to tell Him who He was. And what they said or didn't say had zero influence on Him. Now I know I can strive for that, but I know that I am one of those imperfect humans and so I will have my moments when I am feeling sorry for myself. And hopefully those times start to become fewer, but until then I will feel it, feel it deeply for a day, talk about it with people, cry it out, lament to God about it, replace the lies with the truth constantly and then tomorrow will be a new day. As today is for me. And I will start a fresh.

I KNOW it but sometimes it's just not enough.

So as many of you probably have figured out from reading even one of these posts is that I am fairly normal. I have a lot of the same fears as everyone else. A lot of the same wants and desires as well.

I know many things to be true of me. I know that I am valued. I know that I am beautiful. I know that I have purpose. And I also know that all of these things that I know stem from the only place that can make them true and that is straight from God. But one thing that I have learned recently is knowledge does not do anything unless it truly penetrates you, to your core. And I believe that these truths have done that. But everyone once in awhile, this knowledge is not enough.

It struck me tonight that sometimes, and I hate to even say it, but I feel as though I am not alone in this, that all the knowledge, all the truth that you know. Even the memories of those truths being enough, being completely consuming and not needing or desiring any reassurance of them because in those moments you know exactly who you are. All of those things, at times, are not enough. My human side takes over and all I need is an imperfect human to affirm me.

 It seriously pains me to say that. Because there is this perfect God, who cares, and loves you and when He says it, it is always true, whatever He says about you, it is always true. There is no ulterior motive. You do not have to question it, it is just, it is right and it is truer than anything else that can ever be said on this planet.

But sometimes in my weak moments, it is not enough. But it is enough, but in the moment it doesn't feel like it. And seriously in those moments what I wouldn't give for one of those 7 billion to just say something nice to me. To say that I am beautiful, to recognize what I am striving for.

To recognize... me.

I am almost throwing up in my mouth while I type this, because I feel like I sound like one of those girls, those needy girls that NEED people to tell them who they are, or just merely to affirm who maybe they already know themselves to be.

But it is true of me, not all the time, but in those moments, that I do not share, those moments that I hide from others, those moments where I am alone and I can let all the guards down. And be real with God about where I am. And sometimes I apologize profusely to Him, Because in those moments I am saying He is not enough, and I KNOW He is.

I am not proud of these moments but I am also not ashamed of them either, because I do know that they happen. I do know that I am still human and my human tendencies will flare up every once in awhile (I feel like I am talking about a disease, Ha) But it is true.

I know God is my Rock, He is one of the only people that I can let it all out with. He already knows it all anyway. Why Hide it? But I have to make sure that the truth is still there, that that is where I end it all on. Because I do KNOW that human words are empty compared to His.

I sometimes find myself back as that twelve year old girl who strived for attention. Who would do anything just to be noticed. Who walked around with a wound that wide open and I kept looking for people to heal it, and no one ever could, until I allowed God to do it. But every once in a while I open it again. But thankfully the more and more that it keeps being opened the shorter amount of time I allow it to be, before I turn to the one person who can make it new again.

But maybe it is the woman in me or maybe it is just the human in me that wants to be seen sometimes, not all the time, just sometimes.

I am reminded of Psalm 139. About His knowledge of you. How He knit you together. He knew you before you were even a thought on anyone else's mind.

Remember that, when you feel like you are feeling or thinking things that you shouldn't be. And maybe you feel guilty or ashamed. He knows them anyway so be real with Him. He loves you. And so do many other people. Never forget it.

(blogging the cheapest form of therapy)