move in the direction you want to be--writing

This is a work in progress. Keep that in mind. Thanks!

 

As a child I never thought that I was meant for something special. Not to be dramatic but I had many things stacked against me. Or so I thought. I was in a single parent household, and my father was not exactly present. I lived in a trailer (and I found this to be the hardest thing to overcome.) I am not sure why, but to me it was very embarrassing. I didn’t like to have people over who were not close friends. I especially didn’t like to have guys over. I would watch my brother have his girlfriends over and he was not fazed one bit. He didn’t seem to care. I always wondered why I cared so much.

Looking back I had many things going for me as well. One major thing was the fact that I had a mother that was everything I needed her to be. Now she had to provide for us and be both parents which is not easy and most likely not what she planned parenting to be, alone. But she is the reason that I am who I am today.

 I always kind of felt like I was in the way when I was young. In places where I felt uncomfortable I would not make a lot of noise and would try to stay out of everyone’s way as much as possible.  This was seen the most in places where I did not feel as though I could be myself. Where I was most insecure about who I was. I find that I still do this in new situations. I feel out the situation, the people, I observe and then I begin conversation with one or two people which helps to get me out of my shell.

At home I was by myself a lot. My mom worked, not like crazy hours or anything, but I just remember being home alone a lot. It may not have been the reality but it is interesting what we remember being the norm and what may have actually been happening.

My brother is five years older than me so we were not really play mates. We may have been until he was 10 and then I was annoying to him, which to be fair I was quite annoying. I would go and try to find incriminating things in his room and I wouldn’t tell my mom I would just leave it out so he knew I saw it or that someone saw it. I know very weird, but don’t judge me you did strange things for attention when you were young too. Back off.  For example I found the swisher sweets in his drawer and left them on the dresser, or the No Dose caffeine pills, which I thought he was doing drugs but found out that they are like a cup of coffee. Without the stained teeth and bad breath.  I want to state for record. That my brother and I are much closer now. Now that I do not snoop through his things!

I did have a lot of friends in my neighborhood when I was young. But they were mostly older than me and not always the nicest. I remember once leaving one of their houses crying and then she ran up to me and slapped me for I have no idea what reason anymore, but I was just shocked. That is one memory I have where I did not speak up for myself. I wonder if I thought I deserved it or something. All the people treating me poorly, like it was consequences or something. I would let people do what they wanted to me and I did not have a back bone. This has changed but it took years to realize that I was worth it. I do not deserve to have people walk all over me. I do deserve good friends, not only deserve but need good friends. People that I can disagree with and not have to worry if they will still be my friends. Peers that are not using me or friends with me because I am weak and they can overpower me.

Carpe Diem, YOLO, insert other live for today mottos

So being a teacher does have its perks and I know that many of you will be rolling your eyes at this because it is kind of obvious. But if you have read any of my previous posts you will also understand that it is not as easy as some may think. One of the perks is the fact that I have the summer off. Now because I worked at a school that was practically year round with out the longer breaks that a year round school normally gets, our break is not as long as most.

Anyways I just went on a two week vacation. I traveled to Washington DC, then up to New York, and then to Boston.

We have been planning this trip since what feels like forever. And then it comes and goes kind of quickly. It reminds me of so many things that we anticipate for months and then is over in a few hours, a day, a week, you get the idea. I am already thinking about my next big thing. Which is not until the end of August, a concert, which is over in a night. I sometimes wonder why we do this. Because I am assuming I am not alone. I know we should be excited for events that are, for lack of a better word, exciting, but it makes me feel as though I am not truly living day by day but major event by major event. This is not just going against how we are suppose to live as Christ followers, but also as the world would like you to live as well. Carpe Diem, YOLO, insert other live for today mottos. Now how Christ followers and the world view living for today may be quite different, they still understand that today is all we have control over, or impact in.

 I do not know what tomorrow will be, I may have plans, but they can be thwarted at any minute. I only can do something right now. I can only control how I react to something right now. I can only change right now, I can only act right now. I can only chose right now. Right now is all we have, all we are guaranteed to have, I may not have tomorrow, or an hour.

I am trying to live each day. Some days might not be crazy eventful, but sometimes you need the quiet, the rest to build you up for the next thing. I remember reading a book back when I was wrestling with waiting and understanding what I was doing right now. (which I am thinking about going back to that book) its called When the Heart Waits, by Sue Monk Kidd. I thought it had some good things to say. I may not have agreed with everything in it. But it mainly said that sometimes when you are not feeling useful or particularly active it may be because you are to be delving in and working on yourself for the next big thing that God has for you.

Back to the trip. It was really good. I have never been to New York or Boston. So it was nice to see those places.

My major take aways  from each place.
Washington DC-Many well dressed young men. No joke. Lots of them. All over the place.

New York-tons of bad smells. (I really did love New York, this is just the things I always thought about)

Boston- Brick. Brick everywhere. Sidewalks, buildings, streets. Loved that.


Here are some pictures of my trip.

Here is beloved Lincoln

Oh the view from Lincoln's house, as I like to call it

Got to see the one, the only, Ed Sheeran in New York at the Today Show

View of south Manhattan from the top the Empire State Building

Oh and did I mention that I dyed my hair purple. It was on my 27 things to do before 28 list.

Media month

So I have been slacking a bit. This month is Waste. So you are to be mindful of the things you throw away, recycle, re use etc. This month was suppose to start on the 16th of June. Oopps.

So I am beginning now. These are the seven things I am going to try and cut down on.

1. taking bags with me to the store
2. no plastic water bottles.
3. bringing my own coffee container to coffee shops ( I am blanking on what they are called so I am calling it a coffee container, lol)
4. recycling as much as possible
5. not eating out as much  eating the food in refrigerator
6.only buying thrift and second hand
7. buying local at the farmers market.

Now the hard thing about this is that I am going on a two week vacation for oh yeah two weeks, I already said that. SO I am going to bring a water bottle to reuse and a coffee container (see explanation above).

Anyway this is not going to be my best month, I can see it in my future.

I just want to be apart of something. no whiney voice necessary

As most of you know I went on a trip to Haiti at the end of March. I went with an uncertainty of my future and a restlessness about where I was currently. I came back with ideas and thoughts of where I could be, what I could get involved in and a faint idea of a purpose.

My purpose is still quite hazy. I have taken a job next year as a teacher in a very small private school which I believe will heal me where teaching is concerned.

I really wanted to get involved in the Haiti project that we went down there with but it is seeming to be impossible. I have emailed numerous times, I have given my phone number, I have given the times that I can be reached. There have been correspondences back through email but that has been few and far between. I know that people are busy, but because of this lack of interest on their part, my lack of interest is waning. I fear that I am in some ways losing my drive and passion that I had when I first returned. I was setting up meetings, contemplating what to do next and I still feel as though I am where I started. With no clear plan and no clear direction.

Do many people feel this way or just those that return to their hometown to live at home after university and nothing seems to be different except you. But then in some ways you feel as though you digress a bit because it is exhausting being the only difference in the unchanging landscape around you,.

I thought I came back a few months ago with a little less fogginess where my future is concerned but I, in this moment, feel as I did in Haiti, lost and confused.

I am trying to think of what God would have me do now and not simply months from now, but I do not sense a lot of nudging.  Maybe that means stay put and be patient but I feel as though that is exactly what I have been doing for the past three years. but if I am truly being honest maybe I have just started pursuing this "What's next?" attitude for the last few months.

I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago "I just want to be apart of something." It doesn't necessary have to be something big but something that is making a difference. I followed that up with "God please help me to find a place to be this year."

That is my hope and prayer for this school year. To be apart of something and to find a place to be.

A few things I have around my room to remind myself that He is in control and right now will not be the best time of my life, (hopefully) HA.

I choose to fill the time with 45 meaningless things.

So I have made it through a week and it has not been too difficult. If you were my mom reading this she may have a different opinion. I might complain that I am bored often. But this is kind of one of my spiritual talents, complaining. Oh that isn’t one of the spiritual gifts? Well I beg to differ because I am pretty good at it.

Anyway, giving up social media for a month will not be too bad. There are many instances when I think oh I should tweet that or I want to take a picture of that and put that on Instagram or Facebook, but alas I do/cannot. I have been writing some of those things down. Here are a few of them

Library book stains. Ever wonder what in the world someone was doing while they were reading this book. Either eating very messily or bleeding profusely.

Someone said that it was John Smith singing these words to Pocahantas, “You’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.” I know my silly humor.

I have also been floored by how much more time I have on my hands. As you know before I said I was excited to be so productive, but just because I am not watching TV does not mean that I now have a cure for my laziness. I am still lazy and not getting that much done.

I have read 2 books in a week. I read In Between Days which was really good, it is about a dysfunctional family. I found it very real and true. Then I read Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. It is a young adult book but very different from the trilogies out and popular right now. Both great reads.

TV is very difficult to give up. It has not been a huge aspect of my life since I got back from Haiti. I am just not as concerned with keeping up with the shows as I once was. But I do notice its complete absence from my life. Week nights are not too bad because I have work to do and then can read or workout and shower. I can fill the time with essential things and then go to bed early. But the weekends have been a little more difficult. I enjoy have it on while I am doing other things.  The quiet has been eerie, ha.

I am this next week going to work on spending more time with God. I was just reading some of Jen Hatmaker’s reflections on this month and she also came to this realization that I have always made the excuse that I do not have enough time for God. But not having TV and what not and still filling the time with things has proven that I do have the time for God, but choose to fill the time with 45 other meaningless things. I will always find ways to fill the time with things other than God unless I make the effort to fill the time with more meaningful things.

 

An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess

So I started month 4 which is media. So I have a lot of time on my hands not being spent watching TV or on my phone. So I am going to take this time to blog like crazy. Now I have not written about any of the other months that I have done. So let me give you a recap. Here it goes

Before I begin let me explain what this whole things is. I had read a book way back that was called 7 An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker. Each month she limits herself from something and during that month she is stretched and challenged to live a simpler life. So a few friends and myself have decided to give it a try as well.

Month one was food. This was a hard month for me. I cut out seven foods, where as Jen Hatmaker only ate seven foods and I did not want to hate life that much. So the seven foods I cut out were bread, cheese, soda, alcohol, fried foods, desserts, coffee pretty much only water for a month.

Basically I ate a lot of salads, especially when I went out. I became a little irritable when all my friends were eating this cheesy fried goodness and I had to sip on my water, with lemon, and wait for my salad, which is just as expensive as a burger and fries mind you.

So that month was actually very difficult.

Then came the month of clothing. I limited myself to eight items of clothing, pajamas and workout clothes did not count. So I had 2 pairs of dress pants, a pair of jeans, 2 v-neck shirts, 2 cardigans, and a dress. Tights, scarves, and under garments also did not count. So this was actually not too bad. It made getting ready in the morning very easy and quick. And to my surprise no one even noticed that I was swapping the same articles of clothing week after week. I did this for three full weeks the last week I went to Haiti on a mission trip.

The third month is possessions. I was supposes to give 7 things away a day for a grand total of 210 items. I was really looking forward to this month because it would finally give me an excuse to go through my closet and my room and get rid of a bunch of stuff I had been hording. Now the key thing here was to give thoughtfully, not just to a middle man, Goodwill. I ended up giving away 148 things. So not quite the 210, but it averages to 21 days so not too bad. I did not do a good job with the thoughtful giving though, trying to find actual people who needed these items. I gave away 43 clothing items. 14 nail polish, 14 jewelry, 13 scarves, 34 books, 2 pieces of wall décor, 4 shoes, 11 purses and bags and a couple odds and ends.

 

So that brings me to month four, Media. This is meant to be giving up 7 forms of media. Mine are TV, Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, internet (within reason, I need to check my email, but I am not looking up things all of the time), texting (this is also within reason, only if it saves time, but not for frivolous-no meaning texting), radio, gaming/iphone apps (apps are within reason as well, I need the weather channel app but that is about it)

 

I have made one exception which some might think is a copout but I have to watch the Stanley Cup playoffs for my beloved Blackhawks. I just have to. You might say, “Well that is exactly why you are doing this right, because you actually do not HAVE to.” But I beg to differ, when I watch they win, when I do not they don’t. Simple as that. And stop judging me, I can sense it. Anyways.

Stay tuned for month 5-Waste

Month 6-Spending-going to be a hard one

Month 7-Stress

The extra money will not buy me happiness.

So I know that I said I was wondering if I was going to be teaching in the classroom setting again. There were many reasons as to why I came to that conclusion. I also have been doing a lot of searching and wondering what my mission is. What does God ask of me? I am still not entirely sure what that is or where that is. I have had a few people tell me of different teaching job opportunities. I have had conversations with different people trying to help figure out what my next step is. I have thought, pondered and talked with God about what he would have me do. I feel as though I cannot throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I had a past employer seek me out and wants me to teach. I know, I know I said I wouldn't teach. But I would already know everyone there. It would be a comfortable place for me to regroup and get my groove back. (ha, feeling like Stella, but in a completely different way). I would only have like 5 kids which is pretty much small group teaching or tutoring which is what I was thinking I would be better at. The place is so low stress it is not even funny. I get to run my own classroom, it is not micromanaged at all. Some of the parents very much want me as their student's teacher. Oh and they do take a test, but it is for sure not me teaching to the test, which was one of the issues with teaching in the public school classroom. Oh  yea by the way it is a private school.

I would be making significantly less than I am now. But my life would be so much happier. The extra money will not buy me happiness.

So I am pretty sure that is what I am going to do for this next year. Try and save a lot of money, pay off some of my loans. Maybe pick up a part time job. I would love to be a personal shopper or help women with their style. But I do not see a huge market for that in Freeport. Ha.  We'll see... oh my motto for my future.