I don't have anymore plans drawn up.

I just got back from a meeting we had with the Haiti team. I am very much still in limbo. Where I have no idea what God is asking of me. It is a scary place to be in if I am truly being honest.

It brings me to a place where I need to deeply trust, hope, and believe in what God has for me. But I am scared, I do worry. But I know he has it, he is so much bigger. But I am still scared. I believe it is alright for me to be. It does not diminish him in any way. It is a completely Earthy and human feeling of not knowing what is next. But I think it is the best place that God wants me in. I don't have anymore plans drawn up. It is going to be all him, this time. I also think that I  am in one of the best places that I have been in in a few years. It is completely scary, but I am in tune with him more than I have been in a while. It truly is bringing me closer to the one I want to be most like.

I had this overwhelming feeling while driving home. That I am so overwhelmingly thankful for all God has done in me and for me. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I am a pretty fantastic person, but I cannot take credit for it. He has made me question who I am and where I find who I am. that I cannot go to certain places in my mind because if I do I may not come back. He has also brought people into my life to help me understand why I do things or think things and that it may not be the healthiest way to process conversations or productive self-talk. Coping mechanisms that I have built for 20 some years, that protected me, but in turn hurt me as well. Words will never describe my gratitude, so I want my future and my life to show my gratitude to him.

This is the time that I stop planning and start following, waiting, understanding, being, striving, yearning, praying, knowing, loving.

I was reminded this week of the things I don't have, the things that truly matter. Haiti days 7, 8, 9

Day 7
Last day here.

I worked on the mountain again. I did dishes again as well.

Then I had a great conversation with a few of the ladies. It was amazing. These women are beautiful testaments of strong godly women. They follow the Lord's leading and it was amazing to talk with them.

I did ask if they needed to learn English, but even more than that I learned how this woman got to be with the organization that we were with and how she got with Haiti. One of the best pieces of advice she gave me that someone else had given her was that you need to take any opportunity no matter how small, because its all toward Jesus.

Is missions my future, if it is you heard it here first! ha.

(Switch)
Another thing that I learned while talking with the two women mentioned above is that I think I create feelings for guys that are not actually there. Let me explain further. If I am comfortable with that person, attracted to that person, can be myself with that person I think I construe that to mean that I must like them. Because for all of those things to add up it is kind of rare. But it really confuses things, because I truly feel as though I have feelings for them, but I do not really even know them. Maybe it is the whole idea of infatuation. Who knows.

I can also tell that the kids know we are leaving soon. Musline is very attached to me. Very affectionate and cuddly. Which is not the norm for her. But I very much enjoyed it, She completely has my heart. I have been thinking of her often since I have been back.

Day 8
I did not sleep well last night. It was hotter than usual and my mind wouldn't stop. I got out of bed around 5:30am.

We got ready to go, packed up and were waiting by the Tap Tap. The kids sang to us and it I was trying to keep my composure but it was difficult. Saying goodbye was difficult. Charlie, a boy who I just learned the name of a few days ago, was saying I will never forget you. I could not take this, it was impossible to stop myself was losing it.

The Tap Tap drive was much more packed, but much smoother. We finally got to the resort and it was beautiful. It is crazy to think that this place is in the same place as all of that poverty. For some it was very difficult to be there after just having been where we were. They said it felt wrong in way, which is completely understandable. I was alright with it. Here me out before you make your judgments. This was a perfect place for me to reflect on the week. It was crazy relaxing and a good way to unwind. It was also a good way to transition back to my life. Not that I am saying I wanted to completely go back to how my life was, but the reality is we are going back. I am a changed person now and how do I go back to where everything else is the same as I left it but me?

Day 9
This trip has taught me that I have a lot, not just in things but in life. I have a mother that loves me truly unconditionally. I have friends that challenge me, trust me, and love me. I have a roof over my head that is not going anywhere and if it does I have insurance to get it back for me. I have a job that provides for me. I have, I have, I have. I could go on forever with the I haves. But I was truly struck by the have nots.  I do not have true hope, hope in my future, in my God. I do not have true joy. Joy that is not shaken by small inconsistencies in life but is stable in the one constant in life. I do not have an attitude of living in the present. These children were not thinking months in advance, they were focused on the here and now. I am always looking to the weekend, or the end of the year or the next exciting thing I have to do.

I am blessed beyond believe with what I have. But I was thoroughly reminded this week of the things I don't have, the things that truly matter in life. The intangible things that make a difference in the type of person you will be, how you will be seen, where you will end up.

The amazing View at Wahoo Bay

This nugget was too much, in a completely spectacular way

One last picture on our final day

Yay Spaghetti for breakfast on the last day 

A few people we meet on the way down the mountain in our Tap Tap

Dishes are theraputic, they did the trick. Haiti day 5 and 6

Day 5
I still am struck by the fact that Saul and David were good looking.

(Switch)
Chris told us to not be so focused on the distant future, but to be looking for your next step of obedience. When I think about the stories from the Bible, God rarely told people far in advance of what he would require of them. Instead He told them step by step what he desired. I wonder if He told us in advance if we would even be willing to do it. I think it would be too much for us. But the constant obedience shapes us so that when the something big does come we are equipped and ready for that step. I don't know just something to think about.

I am thinking of asking if the kids at the orphanage need to learn English. That is something that I could possibly do. But do not focus so much on months in the future, just one step at a time.

Day 6
I still have not asked if they need to learn English but I will.
I have an overwhelming feeling that I do not want to go home. I do not want to go back to reality, to a job that I dislike, to children that are not respectful, to a world that does not know how good we have it.

I also woke up today realizing that the honeymoon period is done. I am getting a bit annoyed with people. This is not uncommon for me, I get annoyed and irritated with people easily especially if we are living together. I found myself being very quiet at the work site today. Anyone would say anything and I was done. I just knew I needed to stay quiet because I knew I would say something that was harsh and that I did not mean.

We had the opportunity to wash dishes after breakfast and I knew that I needed to do it. There was only about 5 of us and I needed something that would be a bit therapeutic. The process that the Haitians go through to wash dishes is very thorough and efficient. We had a big pot that they cooked in, so it had a bunch of stuff stuck on it, we put all the dishes in there with some water. This is where we got all the stuff off of the dishes. Then they would put into soapy water where they were washed, then rinsed two separate times. By the time we were done everything came off the pot so easily. I was amazed at how efficient their methods were.

After this I was in a much better mood. It actually changed my attitude. It was truly a god send.

These days I did not journal as much as before, that could be because I was actually enjoying the area and the children and not contemplating the future so much.

The kitchen and us doing dishes. Every meal was cooked over that fire.

This is the big pot, which I proceeded to get black all over me while cleaning it out.

Kids on a break from school

You will have distractions everywhere, get over it. Haiti day 3-4

Day 3
Today the verse that struck me was in 2 Samuel 12:20, "Do not be afraid," replied Samuel. "You have done evils yet do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart."

This strikes me because the Israelites have done some bone headed things, but Samuel is reassuring them that it is not over, do not quit, but turn from your evil ways. You are not done. He is not done with you.

I have felt this way, because I have been walking my own path for quite some time. Making my own plans, and have come to realize that they have failed. But He is not done with me, there is still hope.

I had an interesting dream last night, that I had to go back to work a day after being in Haiti. Like I was in Haiti for a day and had to go back. And I was trying to figure out how to get back to Haiti. What I could do, What I could tell them and I thought I needed to quit my job to get back to Haiti. I was wondering if that was a bit prophetic. hmmmmm.

(switch)
Why does this have to happen to me all the time. I come here to be with you and there is a distraction right in front me. It is consuming all of my actions and thoughts. I guess it is a reminder that they are everywhere, distractions. I think that just because I go somewhere isolated in a way that I will be free from distractions, but truly they are everywhere. I felt as though God was saying, " Seriously you thought that just because you traveled somewhere remote that you would be free from everything, your past, your insecurities, your life. You will have distractions everywhere, get over it." Maybe a bit kinder than that, or maybe not.

day 4
Yesterday's reading was interesting because Saul was a very attractive man and much taller than anyone else. The obvious choice for King, that the Israelites so desperately desired. Then when Jesus comes he is not the obvious choice for King in stature, but in his heart and demeanor he is. Where as Saul is an obvious choice in stature and not in demeanor. I find that to be interesting because as humans we are so swayed by beauty. We can over look some major flaws when someone is beautiful and charming. Okay maybe not quite that way, but you know what I am saying.

The question we were asked last night was what would our life look like if Jesus was in control of every aspect?

I often wonder if I have truly sought what you want for me? In some ways I wonder if I am in a way seeing a consequence of my disobedience. That I am in this crossroads or very trying time in life  where I am confused and questioning my path because I have not sought your path but my own. I am not saying I am being punished but there are consequences for every action that you do. I think I am at the end of my plans and have found that they have failed. I chose to be a teacher and just thought that because I enjoyed it that must mean I am meant to do it. I forged ahead full force into this career without really asking if I was meant to do it. I just assumed I figured out my career path, boy am I lucky. Now here I am 2 years into this so called "career" and I do not like it.

(Switch)

I think I am getting a cold =(

(Switch)

Am I just wanting to get out of teaching because it is hard? That is kind of what I do, bail when things get hard.

I am completely wiped today. Very tired.

Our mountain we moved. This dirt/cliff was all the way to that wood wall.

Love these kids. Funny faces transcends cultures.

I miss her. Musline (not sure of spelling, this is how we pronounced it. lol)

One of the classrooms.

I felt as though I had arrived home. -day 1 and 2 of Haiti

So I just got back from Haiti and I have a ton of mixed emotions. I will start from the beginning and copy what I wrote in my journal for each day. I can kind of jump around from subject to subject so I apologize in advance.

First day of trip we are driving to NYC to catch our flight to Haiti. I am doing well thus far. I am trying to be my witty self!!

(side note, I was very worried about being myself on this trip because I did not know anyone that well and usually I assess a situation first, I will get more into that later)

One of the guys on this trip reminds me so much of a friend from university. Very smart and very dry humor, even his mannerisms scream my friend. It is nice having people remind you of someone else. Its as fi they are right here with you.

I wonder how I will react when I see Haiti. When Chris just talked about it I would get teary eyed.

I am getting to know a few people, there is a girl on this trip that does not know many people either and she is really nice. I can so tell that she is a youth leader because she just gets right up in there with people. Where as I hang back a little more, which is alright. It is how I assess a situation. I observe it.

God what do you have in store for me? My future is wide open... I want to follow you. I just need some direction. But maybe I just need to move in some way.

You know me. Bring about those conversations that I need. Help me find ways to interject and be apart of the group without being desperate.

(side note, I warned you that I jump around. It is maybe a side effect of being a woman, so many thoughts running around in my head)

day 2-
This place reminds me so much of Ecuador, but obviously it is worse. These children love attention. They are precious. Living conditions where we are staying are not too bad. I really like it here. I am very excited to start work tomorrow.

God you please make one of my roommates well. She is very sick because of the heat.

This place is gorgeous it is not too hot and humid now, towards the end of day. After dinner at 3 it seems to cool down.

It is really nice that hanging out with the kids is whenever you feel like it. I can spend my time with them and then take some time away to do whatever needs to be done. It is very relaxed tomorrow will be different, work begins. It will be really nice to work hard.

I found these two days as I reflect on what I have written that I could not stop looking around me. The scenery was amazing. Though the place is quite poor, the people were far from poor. They had more joy in them than I have experienced in quite sometime. Now not all people had this joy, on the streets were people were just sitting around or walking or carrying and their faces did not scream hope and joy. But at the orphanage their was light, joy, and true happiness. I seriously felt like I had arrived home when we went through those gates. (side note, that feeling could also have been because of the immensely long and bumpy ride up the mountain on the Tap Tap, but I would like to believe it is the former.)

A Success Story

My friend emailed me a blog post from someone that she reads often. It is about going with the flow of life and taking opportunities as they come.

Its from A Beautiful Mess blog

On Changing Dreams





It was very nice to read that she did not always have it all together. She has a degree she doesn't use. A few failed career options. And a return to live at home, which she thought was the ultimate failure.

She took a chance and played to her strengths and now she is very successful, but even more than that she is doing something that she loves and enjoys. But at first she thought she would also be seen as a failure.

It's nice to read about others that actually are doing what they love, but they did not begin that way. I think I like the difficult parts more than the success, it is easier to relate to. (or maybe that's just because I am in the difficult parts right now)

I feel as though I am such a mess right now, its nice to read that there may be a silver lining out there somewhere.

If you are at all in a similar place as me right now, read this blog post, it lightens the load a bit and really makes you feel as though you are not in this alone. Not the only one feeling as though you have no idea what you are going to do.

"That's not going to be me. A bunch of pansies."

So I am still at a crossroads but I feel as though I am realizing more and more that teaching in the traditional sense of the word, classroom setting, may not be for me.

I mentioned this to some of my coworkers and they said, "But you are so good at it." I nodded my head politely. But truly I am not sure if I agree with them. I am not at all trying to throw myself a pity party but I have been feeling lately that I am doing a horrible job as a teacher. Let me explain further. 

I have no patience left. I seem to lash out at my students. Sometimes it may be warranted but I react a lot. The no patience also comes in when I am dealing with students who do not understand something. I used to love being able to help these students. Now I seem to find it a nuisance. I end up giving up and either another student helps them or the para in my classroom will help them. That is not right as a teacher I should love those opportunities because they will show the most growth. But I just get frustrated with the blank stares. 

Now yes I can manage a classroom, but I do it through a mixture of a fear and respect. Which is maybe what is meant to be done. But I do not like that I never smile or seem to laugh with my students at all for fear of losing control. Because with these kids if you give an inch they will take a mile. It is not the same as most other schools where you can lighten up after the first few months, no you have to stay on them all year long. They never quite seem to get it. It is immensely exhausting. 

I also feel as though all we do is teach to a test and I never wanted that. I hear that it is like that all over the US but I cannot stand it. I am not teaching them how to be successful citizens, I am teaching them how to get the correct answer. That is not creating individuals it is creating robots. And I want to create students that think for themselves. 

I wanted to go into teaching for the impact that I could have on future generations. I know cue the doves and the harp music but seriously that was my aim. I also know that teachers have said that you will not know the impact that you have until maybe years later if ever. But I hoped at least to have more immediate confirmation that I am doing a good thing. That I am meant to be doing this, instead I kinda hate it. 

It has become that thing that I complain about, lets be honest complaining is not something foreign to me, but still I want to enjoy my job more than hate it. I have only been teaching for a year and a half and I already feel burned out. I thought that was ridiculous when people said that most teachers stop teaching before they even reach 5 years. I was all like, "That's not going to be me. A bunch of pansies." (With the obnoxious face to match.) But seriously it is me.