Favorite animal, color, aspect of nature, GO.

So while I was in Haiti and we were at the resort at the end of our trip there were about 7 of us in the pool around 8, it was dark, but the pool has some pretty cool lights.We were hanging out in the shallow area. Just laying/sitting and enjoying each others' company. One of the leaders with Next Step Ministries did this crazy psychological thing. I swear she was in my mind, and past and my future. She told us a lot about ourselves just by asking us our favorite animal, color, and aspect of nature. She was pretty spot on.

This led me to think about my favorite aspect of nature. The Ocean. It has been coming up in different areas of my life. The reason I like the ocean so much is because it is beautiful for one duh. The blue is so blue. But still there are so many different colors of blue represented. It is hard to tell where it ends and the sky begins. The sound of the waves is soothing, but at the same time harsh. It has this juxtaposition of rocking you like your mother used to, but then also this powerfulness, that can knock you over, that accompanies it.

When I was reading and going through my Crazy Love devotional they asked what helps to bring you to the place of seeing God as powerful, and mighty, seeing Him more as how He should be seen instead of what we have created Him to be. My answer was the Ocean. Standing in front of it remind me that I am quite small. Quite insignificant. It puts me in my place.

In life we can start to think we are hot shots. We are known in our town, our job, our church, our gym. People know us by name. We have ____ likes on Instagram, We have ____ followers on Instagram/Twitter and do not even get me started on how many friends we have on Facebook. We are kinda a big deal. People want to know us. But why not we are pretty cool. But the reality is we are one of seven billion. And standing in front of the ocean reminds me that I am actually quite small. That this world that I am in all the time (my job, my city, my church, where I am known) is actually really small and if my "world" is small then I am even smaller.

The ocean is what brings me back. It is what bursts my bubble if you will. But the great thing is, while it may be reminding me that I am small, and insignificant it is also reminding me that God is powerful, huge, beautiful, and will be praised. And to Him I am significant. He knows my name, He knows my lying and my waking. (Psalm 139). I may be insignificant in this world, but to Him who is everything I am significant.

The waves and the shore also remind me of our hearts and God. The shore a seemingly unmovable object. But the waves just keep coming at the shore, never stopping. Constantly beckoning us, knocking on our hearts. Breaking us down until we are fine sand, able to be moved by his waves. Until bits of the shore are taking with the waves each time, tossed about and moved where the waves would have them, until whole parts of the shore are gone and taken to sea to be used elsewhere, deposited elsewhere.

Now I am being asked to physically trust Him.

So I am not a horribly paranoid person.

Some might call this being paranoid but I call it being smart and aware. It may be because I have watched too many scary movies. But I make sure to check my back seat before I get in it. Smart right. That's what I thought.

One area that I can be paranoid with though is my health. I have never really had any major health concerns. But recently I had an infection. I do not take infections lightly. I know that if it is hot and red and hurts that is bad. I am practically a doctor I watch Greys. I finally went in and they knew what it was right away. I had a cyst. I've never had one of these before. I had no idea what to expect. Well I had to come back in a few weeks to get it removed. It has been a week since I had it removed and it was not healing correctly. Remember what I said about being paranoid. Well cue that feeling right now.

Obviously I had been praying since then for healing, for instant, or correct healing. Whichever God's will would have it. I finally took the bandage off 5 days after the minor surgery and it looked really bad. I immediately started to freak out. I know in my mind that it will all work out. I do know that. I know that God has me. But my emotions were in response to why can't it just heal. Why can't it just be better. You might think, Erica this is not a big deal, which yes in the grand scheme of life not a big deal.

But right now it is all I can see. But I can't even walk right, it is in my inner thigh and I was not blessed with that mythical thing called a thigh gap, so it hurts. And really it hurts all the time. It's not just a nice thing sitting there that I can forget about. It is constantly reminding me that it is here. It is constantly beckoning me to not forget.  To remember it. I am trying to trust God that everything will be fine. But as I said it keeps reminding me it's there. It's like that struggle that you want to forget. But it won't let you. It's got such a grip. I broke down a few times the day this happened. Out of frustration and wondering if it's alright. It was hard and it is hard. I also can't stop checking it. My mom gave me a goal of not looking at it for 6 hours. I lasted an hour. But I was reminded that God is greater, He is bigger than my struggles and my issues, my health concerns.

That's what is also hard I want it to be fixed, healed. Not tomorrow, today. But I need to remember that things take time. As with anything in life. It usually is not an instantaneous thing. But we want it to be, But God does not work in time. He is outside of it. Orchestrating his plan. Days, months, years, mean nothing. The process of us becoming more like Him, of Him stripping us down so that He is truly everything. So that the relationship is simple. That is what matters. The process is what matters, the time it takes for that to happen, is not what matters.

As I was going through this I also asked people to pray for me. I do not do this very often. But I am finding that prayer is powerful, and it is necessary. We should be reaching out for people to pray for us. And I found that with each person that I asked, the lighter the load felt. I am not alone in this. Not just because I know God is always with me, but I have people that He has put into my life. It is a reminder to me that God is here always, even if everyone left me, He would never leave me. The load is always lighter when shared.

I have to continue to trust. This has been my word lately. Trust or faith. I keep seeing it everywhere and I am continually reminded of it. It's not easy. But this is what is required of us. To believe even if we cannot see. I am worried about this incision. And I am having to continually speak truth to myself that God knows. He loves me. And I need to trust Him in this area of my life. I have been growing in trusting Him with emotional issues. That has been the majority of my struggles, emotional ones.  Now I am being asked to physically trust Him. With my body, my health. In some ways I find this to be more difficult, but that could just be because I am going through it right now. So it is all I can see. It has consumed me. But I was talking with someone recently who has had some major health concerns, and she agreed. Health rocks you when you do not have it. But I am reminding myself that even if my health fades, God is still good. He still loves me. Conditions on earth are not a representation of God's affection toward me (that is a whole other blog post)

Some verses that have helped me through Joshua 1:9. It was my verse of the day and one of my friends also mentioned it to me, which was funny because it had been helping me a ton too. God is with us every step of the way. We have no reason to fear. We need to be strong and courageous, this doesn't just mean doing risky things, but also trusting when things are hard.

Another is Philippians 4:6-7. to not be anxious about anything but in everything give thanks to Him,. and make your requests known to Him.

Remember that whatever is happening to you, God is still good. He is still who He says He is. Continue to remind yourself of that when things are not going well. God's love for you goes beyond comprehension. It is Crazy (cue Francis Chan plug, crazy love is a great book).

Search me, and know my heart !

We all know that God knows everything right. Can we agree on that? Even the stuff that we try to hide, the stuff that we wish no one knew, He knows. Those selfish motives that push us to do things, well He knows those too.

So then why do we ask Him to know us? If He already knows everything why in Psalm 139 does David ask God to know Him.

In the beginning of that chapter, David starts out with saying what I just said. God already knows us.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me"

Then David goes into all the ways that God knows him.

but then at the end, He asks God to know him, to test Him, to remove those things that are not right within him. Why does David do this if God already knows.

Well let me ask you something. If someone just read your diary, or journal (I know diaries are for girls, right). How would you feel? You would feel violated, hurt. You may feel emotionally naked. They would know too much about you. And most of all, the reason it would hurt so much is because they didn't even ask. They did it behind your back.

But if you were to tell them these things, share these secrets with them then you would not feel violated. Or if you gave them your diary and told them to read it. You gave them permission to know the deep parts of you. You chose to confide in them.

Yes, God knows everything. But isn't it different if you choose to let Him in. Don't you think that He wants you to want Him to know everything. Not just Him knowing it by default.

It's like when you do something wrong and your parents or friends find out and they wait for you to tell them what you did instead of them bringing it up. Yes they already have the information, but it means more if you confess it, or you divulge the information. It is you taking responsibility. It is you letting them in, not them letting themselves in.

You invite them.

God wants us to want Him. Does He need it, I would say no. But He wants it. Just like we, humans, want to be wanted or needed. Take that feeling and multiply it by too much to count and that is what God is feeling. He created us, He loves us more than anything we can ever imagine. He wants us to invite Him in. To take up residence in us.

You know how it feels when someone says to you, I've never told anyone this before. Or this is the first time I think I have said this out loud. You feel very honored that they would confide in you, that they would let you into those deep places within themselves. You feel very special. You know they must feel very highly of you to share their deepest thoughts. You don't take it lightly. It is fragile. You take this knowledge very carefully. As to let them know, this is a big deal and I know that. I will do my best to not let you down. But you might, you are human.

I imagine that this is how God feels when we invite Him in. Like a proud parent. But a major difference here (and there are a lot of differences) If you invite Jesus in He will never let you down. He Can't. He would be going against his very nature, He would be a contradiction. Therefore He is faithful, He never changes, The same today, yesterday, tomorrow. Hebrews 13:8 reminds us of this.

The one who knows it all, wants you to want Him. He wants to be invited in. It is a level of intimacy that is beautiful. He doesn't just want to know it, He wants you to want Him to know it. So share it, there is nothing you can say that will make Him love you less, there is nothing that you have done that will change how He feels about you. There is nothing in your heart or in your thoughts that will make your path change, He knows it all already. Invite Him in.

Remember He is not a desperate being, He is powerful and will be worshipped. But He wants you to realize your need for Him.

Be Bold enough to pray Psalm 139 and believe it in Faith and see what happens.


You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Stop doubting, He has shown He is faithful.

Do not doubt.

Doubt, a status between belief and disbelief, involves uncertainty or distrust or lack of sureness of an alleged fact, an action, a motive, or a decision.

Truly believing that something is right or that something will happen is a beautiful thing. I think when we doubt we hesitate to believe that God is who He says He is. Or we doubt ourselves even more, but then we are uncertain that God will do what He says He will do. Doubt is almost like the lukewarm, it is not fully believing, and it is not completely in disbelief. This is where faith and trust comes in.

(but take heart, in Jude 1:22 it is stated "have mercy on those who doubt."

God has gotten us this far, He knows what we need, so why do we doubt that He will guide us, why do we doubt that He has our backs. Why do we doubt His presence in us. Why do we think that well last time was easier, and this time, this is a big thing, I am not quite sure He can do it. Seriously why do we do this every time something scary happens. It is like we completely forget everything that he has done for us. What He has done throughout history. 

I just moved in an area that was extremely scary for me. I wasn't even going to do it. I half way did it and thought okay that was safe. It still took everything in me to press publish. Then I immediately went for a walk I had to process and be with God. It was too much, but probably just enough for Him. Because today I was pushed to completely do it.  To share it with the everyone. Then decided to just do it. So with my heart racing and tears brimming. I pressed post and I am not kidding that took it all. It was in his hands and I just hoped it would be for his glory and not for mine. It is all for His glory. A few girls messaged me while I was out, after I posted it and they affirmed my feelings. They were glad to not feel alone. I was commended on my vulnerability and sometimes I think it is stupidity, (not really) but some say you should not be so open. But I do not believe that. If you do not share your struggles or issues or sufferings I think we begin to feel shameful over those things. The devil uses our minds to tell us that it is wrong, that no one else will understand, that we are alone. But we are not alone. No issue or struggle is new. We all have them and for many of us they are the same. Get past yourself and share it. Be brave and do not doubt. God will use it.
Check out this article
God brings us suffering for others sake

All the words that I have, all the thoughts that I have, all the epiphanies that I have, anything that I share, it came from Him first. None of it is original. Nothing is new under the sun. I learned that in Ecclesiastes. Any issue or struggle that you go through is not new. Humans have been struggling with it for centuries, I hope that is encouraging, because it was for me. God got those people through those sufferings, He will get you through yours too. 

James 1:5-8

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

More scripture on doubting-
Matthew 21:21
Proverbs 3:5-8
John 20:27
Matthew 14:28-31
There are many more.

Trust and have faith. That is my challenge for myself as well as for you.