tug of war

I sometimes wonder what I am doing.

Not like today or this month, but truly in life what I am doing.

I just watched this movie that made me think about my life. I live at home and don't see an end to that. I understand that sometimes you need to take a leap, take a risk, but man I don't even see something to leap into, or a risk to even take. In some ways I feel comfortable, but then I also do not. Because I feel this part of me that is saying this isn't it. Just wait this isn't it. But then I am thinking wait for what.

I have this feeling inside that knows I am destined for more, for greater, but then this other part of me that is wondering what am I doing. I am losing the forest in the trees.

My fear is that I will sit around watching other people do great things, and I will cheer them on. Thinking if it will ever be my turn. When will it be my turn.

Why does society have to make me feel ( I know I choose how I feel) less because I am not in a serious relationship? Why does getting married and having a family show that you have grown up? Who decided that the rite of passage into true adult hood would be marriage, or a serious relationship?

My life is a constant tug of war. I do care, but I don't care. I try but I quit. I am confident, but insecure. I am vulnerable but can't be too vulnerable. I need to show interest, but can't look desperate. I need to be myself but reign it in. I am funny but also need to be serious. I want to look healthy but want to eat what I want to eat. I want to be stylish but not trying to hard. I want to be thought of but I don't want to ask for it. I am independent but I do need people. I am worth it, but why do I have to keep reminding myself.

Can I just let it go.