I felt as though I had arrived home. -day 1 and 2 of Haiti

So I just got back from Haiti and I have a ton of mixed emotions. I will start from the beginning and copy what I wrote in my journal for each day. I can kind of jump around from subject to subject so I apologize in advance.

First day of trip we are driving to NYC to catch our flight to Haiti. I am doing well thus far. I am trying to be my witty self!!

(side note, I was very worried about being myself on this trip because I did not know anyone that well and usually I assess a situation first, I will get more into that later)

One of the guys on this trip reminds me so much of a friend from university. Very smart and very dry humor, even his mannerisms scream my friend. It is nice having people remind you of someone else. Its as fi they are right here with you.

I wonder how I will react when I see Haiti. When Chris just talked about it I would get teary eyed.

I am getting to know a few people, there is a girl on this trip that does not know many people either and she is really nice. I can so tell that she is a youth leader because she just gets right up in there with people. Where as I hang back a little more, which is alright. It is how I assess a situation. I observe it.

God what do you have in store for me? My future is wide open... I want to follow you. I just need some direction. But maybe I just need to move in some way.

You know me. Bring about those conversations that I need. Help me find ways to interject and be apart of the group without being desperate.

(side note, I warned you that I jump around. It is maybe a side effect of being a woman, so many thoughts running around in my head)

day 2-
This place reminds me so much of Ecuador, but obviously it is worse. These children love attention. They are precious. Living conditions where we are staying are not too bad. I really like it here. I am very excited to start work tomorrow.

God you please make one of my roommates well. She is very sick because of the heat.

This place is gorgeous it is not too hot and humid now, towards the end of day. After dinner at 3 it seems to cool down.

It is really nice that hanging out with the kids is whenever you feel like it. I can spend my time with them and then take some time away to do whatever needs to be done. It is very relaxed tomorrow will be different, work begins. It will be really nice to work hard.

I found these two days as I reflect on what I have written that I could not stop looking around me. The scenery was amazing. Though the place is quite poor, the people were far from poor. They had more joy in them than I have experienced in quite sometime. Now not all people had this joy, on the streets were people were just sitting around or walking or carrying and their faces did not scream hope and joy. But at the orphanage their was light, joy, and true happiness. I seriously felt like I had arrived home when we went through those gates. (side note, that feeling could also have been because of the immensely long and bumpy ride up the mountain on the Tap Tap, but I would like to believe it is the former.)

A Success Story

My friend emailed me a blog post from someone that she reads often. It is about going with the flow of life and taking opportunities as they come.

Its from A Beautiful Mess blog

On Changing Dreams





It was very nice to read that she did not always have it all together. She has a degree she doesn't use. A few failed career options. And a return to live at home, which she thought was the ultimate failure.

She took a chance and played to her strengths and now she is very successful, but even more than that she is doing something that she loves and enjoys. But at first she thought she would also be seen as a failure.

It's nice to read about others that actually are doing what they love, but they did not begin that way. I think I like the difficult parts more than the success, it is easier to relate to. (or maybe that's just because I am in the difficult parts right now)

I feel as though I am such a mess right now, its nice to read that there may be a silver lining out there somewhere.

If you are at all in a similar place as me right now, read this blog post, it lightens the load a bit and really makes you feel as though you are not in this alone. Not the only one feeling as though you have no idea what you are going to do.

"That's not going to be me. A bunch of pansies."

So I am still at a crossroads but I feel as though I am realizing more and more that teaching in the traditional sense of the word, classroom setting, may not be for me.

I mentioned this to some of my coworkers and they said, "But you are so good at it." I nodded my head politely. But truly I am not sure if I agree with them. I am not at all trying to throw myself a pity party but I have been feeling lately that I am doing a horrible job as a teacher. Let me explain further. 

I have no patience left. I seem to lash out at my students. Sometimes it may be warranted but I react a lot. The no patience also comes in when I am dealing with students who do not understand something. I used to love being able to help these students. Now I seem to find it a nuisance. I end up giving up and either another student helps them or the para in my classroom will help them. That is not right as a teacher I should love those opportunities because they will show the most growth. But I just get frustrated with the blank stares. 

Now yes I can manage a classroom, but I do it through a mixture of a fear and respect. Which is maybe what is meant to be done. But I do not like that I never smile or seem to laugh with my students at all for fear of losing control. Because with these kids if you give an inch they will take a mile. It is not the same as most other schools where you can lighten up after the first few months, no you have to stay on them all year long. They never quite seem to get it. It is immensely exhausting. 

I also feel as though all we do is teach to a test and I never wanted that. I hear that it is like that all over the US but I cannot stand it. I am not teaching them how to be successful citizens, I am teaching them how to get the correct answer. That is not creating individuals it is creating robots. And I want to create students that think for themselves. 

I wanted to go into teaching for the impact that I could have on future generations. I know cue the doves and the harp music but seriously that was my aim. I also know that teachers have said that you will not know the impact that you have until maybe years later if ever. But I hoped at least to have more immediate confirmation that I am doing a good thing. That I am meant to be doing this, instead I kinda hate it. 

It has become that thing that I complain about, lets be honest complaining is not something foreign to me, but still I want to enjoy my job more than hate it. I have only been teaching for a year and a half and I already feel burned out. I thought that was ridiculous when people said that most teachers stop teaching before they even reach 5 years. I was all like, "That's not going to be me. A bunch of pansies." (With the obnoxious face to match.) But seriously it is me. 

A Change in Scenery

I have decided to redo the decor in my bed room. Now as most of you know when I graduated from university I came home and moved into my room that I lived in when I was in high school. My last year of high school we completely redid my room. I have black floors, a mural on my wall from a friend and a film strip painted on my wall. The film strip goes across the other 2 walls of my room. The last wall is a closet.

Anyway

When I envisioned having a film strip I would have large 8 X 10 in it looking like a true film strip. Well when I got home from university I put up some empty frames and little plaques and licence plates and what not. Well recently I had an idea from a friend of using clip boards and putting up creative things. So the clip boards are put on the wall and anything that you like you put on it. I bought a few and took clippings from magazines that I like, pictures, and other odds and ends and have created something that truly is beautiful to me. So when I walk in to my room I immediately see beauty right there. It has helped with my creativity, to surround myself in it. It also puts me in a good mood to see beautiful things around me. Now I have put some sayings on my wall that may seem as if I am not okay with the hear and now, but I do not believe that I have found what I am looking for just yet.

A crossroads

Everything worth having is worth working for.

This is a sentiment that has been haunting me. This whole idea that if you want it then work for it. But when is enough enough. When do you stop pushing against this wall that does not move. Where the doors close and then the windows close and you are stuck wondering how in the world you ended up here. You thought this was what you were meant to do. You might say well just move on. But then I go back to the sentiment.   If you stop then you gave up, if you keep working at it and nothing comes of it would you not be foolish.

And when is the point that you simply say I have worked. I have tried. I have done what you wanted. You have asked me to do these three things. I did them, studied, spent the money, and now you ask me to do four other things in order for me to have a label. To have this piece of paper that deems me worthy. This number that shows that I am capable. Did I not go to school for five years? Did I not pass every class? Have I not been doing the very thing that I am striving for, for the last two years? Why not ask my employers how I am? What will another class tell you?

Please do not think that I am complaining that I have a job or that I have been blessed. But I just feel like I want to do something that I love, is that too hard to ask. (you might say get your head out of the clouds only probably 5% of people are actually doing what they love) (but I want to be that five percent) And right now I do not love what I do. I do not exactly dread going to work but I am not excited about it either. I do what I have to do, but I do not put in anything extra.

I am doing a job that most would not see as a low job, because I am educated and continually expected to hone my craft. Continue to take courses and perfect my job. But really your money is truly where your mouth is. You do not value what we do otherwise our pay would reflect that. I did not go into this job for the money, no one does. But after jumping through all these hoops to become legitimate I do not understand why we have such strict requirements but are paid less than a construction worker, it doesn't quite add up.

I am at a crossroads. Do I continue to work at a job where I do not feel valued, (do I even need to feel valued? Should I bring all the value that I need to the job? Or as mentioned before and I just being foolish of course you need to feel valued) but get paid well and am doing what I went to school for?

Or

Do I do something that would be a great risk? Do I go out on a limb and try something else?
I could fail, but I could succeed I guess that is why it is a risk.

Circumcision???

Wow two posts in the span of a few days I am on a roll. But I guess it is the new year, this is one of my resolutions and just as the fitness places are swarming right after the new year I guess my blog post might be flooded too. Hopefully I keep this going longer than March. Anyway

I was reading in the Bible today, yes I know it is a rarity. But my church is reading the Bible in a year and I have wanted to do this for some time but have not had the discipline to do it. So I thought why not now. That may be my motto for the year Why Not Now. 

Another tangent... So as I was saying I was reading in Genesis today about Abraham and God requiring him and any of those that follow they ways of the Lord to be circumcised. Circumcision has never been something that I have thought about much maybe because I am a woman, but I have always found it to be a little gruesome. Today though I found myself completely torn up about it. To think that these young children and some not so young at that time, are having to have their genitals cut up and to think that back then they did have anesthesia as we do today. It just pained me to think of how awful it had to have been when everyone needed to me circumcised. I turned to my mom and asked her what the reasoning is for circumcision? I knew that their had to be a reason, because (call me naive if you choose) I do not believe that God requires things for no reason. He always has a reason and I do not believe that it is vain or conceited either. My mother said it was probably because of cleanliness, which does make sense. But why have the foreskin at all if you are going to need to cut it off. I was thinking that maybe it is because it protects while the fetus is in the uterus. I know this is not essential to my belief in God nor is it essential in my life at all. But it was something interesting I was thinking about and wondering what the purpose of it was.

Random thoughts in my mind.

things I would like to do this year.

So it has been awhile.
But one of my New Year resolutions is to write a blog post weekly.
So I better start it out right.

I created a list of the things that I would like to complete before I turn 28. Well I haven't even turned 27 yet, but I thought why not start out this year will some direction. my birthday is only 2 months away and I could already feel quite accomplished.

So here are the 27 things I want to do before I turn 28
1.Read at least 10 books and keep track
2.I desire to have purple hair
3. 5 random acts of kindness, keep track
4. Try some exotic food
5. post weekly on my blog
6. go to a festival
7. go to a professional sports game
8. go to three concerts
9. finish my smashbook
10. document my life more
11. call a long distance friend once a month
12. declutter my wardrobe
13. meet someone to get excited about
14. donate plasma twice
15. disconnect from all screens for two days
16. create a vision board
17. work out at least 2-3 times a week
18. read the entire Bible
19. save more money
20. pay off 1/4 of my Sallie Mae loan
21. complete a 10k
22. take another class possibly art
23. go camping
24. visit states I haven't been to
25. sew myself a piece of clothing
26. do 5 crafts
27. do something that truly scares me.

I have it in a journal. I have a page for each task to help with keeping track and also creating a plan if necessary. We shall see how it goes.